2010 Jan/Feb - Lying Lips: An Abomination
While dating a wonderful lady, I casually started talking to another person, but never went on a date with her. Recently I texted my casual friend to see if she had feelings about us and she said we could be only friends. My wonderful girlfriend found out about my text to the casual friend and confronted me. I denied it and told her that the other lady was the one who sent me the text. However, a mutual friend later informed me that she saw my text with her own eyes. My girlfriend then broke up with me. I apologized and she said she has forgiven me. However, because she refuses to reconcile the relationship after much pleading on my part, I do not believe she has really forgiven me. Please tell me what steps I can take next to ensure that she has forgiven me and will reconcile our relationship. Thank you. Jonathan—Oakland, California
Thank you for taking the time to share so many details of your heartbreaking story. Starting with the truth is the best place to help solve situations. We were very sad as we read what you had to say because it is so real, and happens more often than we care to admit. Our short response is that there is nothing we can tell you to help you reconcile with your girlfriend in the short run. Based on what you said, we believe your former girlfriend has forgiven you. Forgiving you and getting back together with you are two different issues. We suggest that you accept the fact your former girlfriend doesn’t want to be your girlfriend anymore and move on. If you lied to your girlfriend before marriage, you will probably lie to your wife after you are married.
When it comes to relationships, rebuilding trust is among the most difficult realities to achieve. One of the legacies of our sinful natures is to remember the hurts of the past. As children, we learn not to put our hands on a hot stove because the consequences are cruel. So naturally, for the remainder of our lives, we will avoid touching hot stoves with our hands to keep from getting burned and feeling the pain that goes along with that experience. We believe because you are not married, your ex-girlfriend has chosen to move on and cut her losses rather than take a chance on someone who has already proven himself dishonest. Life is filled with choices and consequences. Once we make certain choices we cannot take them back. You seem to be reaping, in this instance, the fruit of your labor.
Please be assured that God forgives and has forgiven you if you have asked Him sincerely and determined in your mind to turn away from lying. You can also trust God to give you strength to follow through on that commitment so that your future relationships will reap the benefit of your newfound determi- nation. Unless you take the time to ask God now to remove the sin of lying from your soul, you will continue to lie as a matter of habit, even into old age.
We hope that from this day forward you will choose the ways of God, and never forget “Righteous lips are the delight of kings; and they love him that speaketh right” (Proverbs 16:13). You are in our prayers as you make this commitment every day for the remainder of your life.
WILLIE OLIVER, Ph.D., an ordained minister and family sociologist, is director of family ministries for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. Willie.Oliver@nad.adventist.org or www.adventistfamilyministries.com
ELAINE OLIVER, M.A., is a veteran university administrator and a marriage and family consultant for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America.
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