From This day forward -2009 Jan/Feb - Wrong Love, Right Move
I recently ended a 10-month relationship with a man who was verbally abusive to me. He is very jealous and intimidated by me. I have a profession and a good job; I make good money and own my own home. What’s wrong with that? I figure that’s why he talks to me so badly. I always hear statements such as: “You independent women think you don’t need a man; someday you will.” Or he’ll make chauvinistic remarks. He also likes to juggle two and three women at a time. I found out about one of them and confronted him about it. Of course, he denied it and told me it was my imagination and that I was assuming things. I found out about all of this last week and ended the relationship. It hurt me so badly to end it, because I knew I would miss his calling me, e-mailing me, and taking me out. There were some good times, but the bad outweighed the good. My question is: “Why do I miss him so much?” I didn’t enjoy being talked to the way he talked to me. It made me feel horrible. Most of the time we were together or on the phone, it would end in an argument, and I would feel so frustrated and stressed out. I felt betrayed when I found out about the other woman. Why does it bother me to see him with someone else? I should be glad I’m free from him, right? Can you give me some advice on how to shake these feelings, besides praying about it? Theresa—Tampa, Florida
We are very sorry to hear about your relationship going sour. Your story is not unique from many others that we have heard. Terminating your relationship with a man who seemed insecure about your financial stability and security, however, was the right thing to do. It is possible that running around with other women and being verbally abusive were actions that helped your former friend feel less insecure and in control in the relationship. People who feel inadequate in certain situations often put down others to make themselves feel better. Of course, such behavior is neither appropriate nor helpful.
The fact that you miss your friend is also not strange. He gave you attention that fed you emotionally. And now that the attention has stopped there is a vacuum where the interest once was. It is worthy of note that emotional connection is not a zero sum game—all or nothing. There was a part of you that disliked what he said and did to you, and another part of you enjoyed his company and attention.
We often share that the best predictor of what a person will be like after marriage is what they are like before marriage. This is obviously not the type of relationship you want to be involved with. Move on. You made the right choice. While it is true that there is no perfect relationship, the preference is to be in a relationship that is happy with some sad times, rather than a relationship that is sad with some happy times.
As you already know, you will be missing this man until you have rid yourself of your emotional connection to him. If you have access to a good Christian counselor, attending a few sessions to work out your feelings is a great idea. Unless you take the time to get over this relationship in an inten-tional and deliberate way, you will cheat your next relationship of the real and genuine joy it has the potential to bring.
God has promised to supply all your needs. Trust Him for your next steps. And remember, it is better to be alone than to be in bad company.
We hope that from this day forward you will experience the peace of God that passes all understanding. We are praying for you.
| Wille Oliver, PH.D & Elaine Oliver , MA - |
|
Elaine Oliver and Willie Oliver are directors of the Department of Family Ministries for the Seventh-day Adventist Church World Headquarters. An ordained minister, Willie holds a PhD in Family Sociology, and masters' degrees in Pastoral Counseling and Sociology. He is the former Director of Family Ministries for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America, the Atlantic Union Conference, and the Greater New York Conference. Read More >> |
|
|
More articles by this author
Like us on Facebook
From This Day Forward - 2011 Sept/Oct - Lets Talk, Please