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I suspect my 19-year-old daughter is drinking alcohol. When I confronted her about it, she became very angry and denied it. How do I deal with this issue to be of greatest help to her? Barbara—Mitchellville, Maryland
One of the most difficult issues parents have to deal with is seeing their children experimenting with risky behaviors. To be sure, one of the trademarks of today’s teenagers is their sense of adventurism, which will most certainly backfire if it is left unchecked.
When it comes to alcohol, teens are particularly vulnerable to its use. The developmental changes they are going through often make them feel self-conscious and more likely to take risks, such as experimenting with alcohol and other drugs. They may do so to please others or to fit in, or just because they are curious and want to try something new.
As teens get older and are of college age, there is even greater peer pressure to use alcohol as a form of celebration, or to create excitement and an illusion of having fun. They are greatly influenced by societal messages or media images of people drinking alcohol as a form of socializing. Many people will say alcohol is simply a “social” beverage. However, in actuality, alcohol is a psychoactive drug (meaning it alters our feelings, our thoughts, our perceptions of the world, and our behavior).
Teens may also experiment with alcohol because they feel rejected by their parents or other family members, or from lack of parental guidance. Researchers have found the most consistent nondrinkers have sound relationships with their parents, have good parental monitoring, and have more fear of disappointing their parents than they do of their discipline.
To increase your success in having a meaningful conversation with your daughter, choose a time you are both relaxed and calm. Don’t use that as an excuse to delay the conversation for too long or to not have the discussion. Even if she denies using alcohol, by broaching the topic you will help give her the guidance and support necessary to make good choices.
When you begin, try not to lecture her (this is extremely hard for parents), and try not to appear judgmental. You might begin by asking about her views on drinking—find out what she knows and thinks about alcohol. Then you can share some facts with her, such as the fact that alcohol is a drug and is a depressant, not a stimulant. It gives the appearance of making one happy or popular, but in reality can cause sadness and anger. Alcohol slows the mind and the body, and anyone can develop an alcohol problem—even a teen without risk factors for alcohol abuse. Discuss reasons not to drink, and help her plan ways to handle peer pressure. Also remind her of, or establish house rules and consequences about, alcohol and drug use and enforce them consistently.
Most important, however, is to strengthen your relationship with your daughter and to help her strengthen her relationship with Jesus Christ. Help her understand that no matter what she is going through, real power and strength will come from having a personal relationship with Christ and not from alcohol and other drugs. Talk to her often so you can continue to pass on your values to her.
It is our prayer that from this day forward you will put your daughter in God’s hands daily and allow Him to lead you both to a stronger and healthier relationship in Him and with each other.
Note: If you notice significant mood changes or behavior problems in your teen, contact your teen’s doctor or a counselor who specializes in alcohol problems.
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